Living On
by MalasLaBro
Summary: Shinji Ikari decides to live - really live his life. Following his will, he will do whatever he wants. Isn't that living?


The darkness was getting to him, trapped in the death machine and slowly dying - Shinji stared at the blank screen in front of him in a daze.

He was going to die.

Although he knew he was going to lose his life one of these days, it was still a very painful realisation that no help was going to come.

Did they care about him at all?

No.

They were probably going to bombard him to oblivion, only wanting to save the EVA if there was a chance.

He was expendable, unneeded.

It was normal, how could he forget that.

His tears dried and floating among the LCL, Shinji fell into his familiar pit of despair.

_'They don't need me anymore.'_

_'I deserve to die.'_

He gave up.

Accepting his fate when the timer finally reached zero, he closed his eyes.

_'I'm sorry.'_ the only good moments in his life was cherished.

_'Thank you.'_

_'...I don't want to die...'_

An older Shinji projected his consiousness out from the EVA, watching as the Earth get sucked into a blackhole.

It was silent in the middle of space save his imagined heartbeat, the warmth of the AT field a constant reminder of his burden and responsibility to ensure that the Lilim will forever live on through him.

Sadly he doesn't have much to live for except watching everything pass all around him.

_'Sorry guys, I was never the exciting kind of guy'_

Time was a concept he couldn't really recognise in space. Probably because the Sun he used to count how many times his back was facing it when he completed a rotation burst into supernova probably years ago.

He lived on.

Watching the stars was his first activity.

He then materialized his once friends and family to accompany him.

Sadly, he realised it was artificial - they couldn't move without him wanting them to.

He was basically playing with life - like human dolls alone in the middle of space.

He then imagined and wondered the thoughts cluttering in his consiousness.

The perfect world where no one was hurt.

The perfect life where everything he ever wanted became a reality.

Nothing was impossible.

Except a true companion.

He already tried raising a mini Ayanami but the thoughts in his mind suddenly reached a cresendo so he stopped.

He hated the sounds.

He despised it though he couldn't really remember how the feeling _was_ anymore.

He simulated various scenes again to aleviate his boredom and pass the time, all coming from random ideas floating like a word bubble in his vision of his mind.

One day,

He recreated the Dirac Sea from his imagination and entered it casually.

Finding himself in another dark space, he shined bright to scout for weird things and just for the sake of it.

He saw another EVA Unit - 01

His own unit was left in the aimless dark space behind him.

How the heck did it get in front of him if it wasn't a clone of his.

Was he finally going crazy?

"Was I not even crazy before?"

"..." curious, Shinji expands his AT field around the monolith and drags it closer to take a better look.

The AT field could not merge with it, he found out.

Trying to find the solution to the sudden question, hundreds of bubbles emerged within his mind.

Shinji got to work sifting through them untill he found the most likely solution.

"Hmm...probably different wavelengths..." he mutters, "...changing...right...about - got it."

His AT field manages to turn the Lilith entity of the EVA into LCL, absorbing it to his own.

He also found that the pilot inside it already died.

The fact that there is another Shinji Ikari inside it proves that he was in another world.

Or just in a Dirac Sea.

He absorbed everything it.

Fresh memories entered his mind, stimulating it and projecting themselves around him so that it could be seen like a movie.

He saw the life of Shinji Ikari of this world.

From birth to his death.

His pain and resolution.

His hope and despair.

Time flowed differently here, he had all the time in the world.

He realised something important.

"Ah, I forgot I was also human."

Questions invaded his mind again.

Why did he confine himself into the EVA while the other Lilims of his world lived?

"I was scared of getting hurt again."

But isn't that what makes us human? Feelings and interacting with others?

Love? Happiness? Pain? Sadness?

He also realised something else.

"...I guess I was an idiot afterall..."

He was an idiot.

What is the use of living in empty space?

Question was, how could he find the chance to _live_ again?

"...huh," he recalled what just transpired what felt like moments ago.

"Wasn't there another Shinji?"

That means...

A world different from his own.

A world where he could try and _live_ again.

"But first..." he sifted through the cluttered memories he had abundantly, looking for a solution to the problem he had.

He found it within Asuka's memories.

"..just blow it up huh.."

How Asuka like.

"Then blow it all up then."

All of Nerv members on the bridge watched as the 11th Angel grew in size, inflating like a balloon about to burst.

It was like watching a train wreck about to happen.

No one said a word for a moment.

The floating zebra ball burst in a waterfall of LCL, releasing all its payload to its blast radius.

Some of the debris from the American Nerv branch fell,creating craters and new would be lakes.

The LCL-works went on for a moment before a fact kicked into most people on the bridge.

No one saw where a giant purple behemoth was.

"Where's Unit - 01?!" Maya exclaimed, "We couldn't find Unit - 01 in the sensors!"

The other bridge bunnies also frantically started checking their apparatus.

"An Angel detected!"Makoto suddenly shouted, "Somewhere in the debris!"

Misato snapped out of her funk when she heard the call.

Part of her felt a little bit of relief the N2 operation didn't have a chance to unload their payload.

Part of her was also worried where her ward was.

Nevertheless,

She recentered herself, "Get the pilots to their EVA's now!"

Wherever he was, the Angel takes priority.

Shinji pushed himself off frombthe rubble, finding solid earth beneath him, the sun shining brightly amidst the red coating the city, the wind blowing from random directions.

He forgot how all of this felt.

There was only one thing bothering him right now.

"Lilith..." he mutters, looking down and sensing the captive deity somewhere down there.

He should probably take care of that.

"The Angel dissapeared!"

Shinji rematerialized in front of the crucified Lilith, hearing its screams and desire to carry out its directives.

"...oh shut up..." Shinji whispers as he captures the Angel, wrapping it in his AT field that he already adjusted to the wavelength of this universe.

The Angel slowly broke down to LCL, being absorbed into an orb forming on the back of his hands. The sea of liquid also swirling into a hurricane all centered to the new orb forming where his heart was supposed to be.

When the the Room became empty save the Cross erected in the middle of it, Shinji smiled.

"I can finally live again." he smiled in what felt like the first time in eons.

"But first...lets go home."

"No sign of Angel activity detected."

"It's all clear here as well."

Misato received the reports with a frown, trying to find anything that could lead them to solve this problem.

The remaining pilots were in their plugs and on standby in case anything happened.

It was 4 hours since the Angel exploded and there were no signs of the threat anywhere they could think of.

When the 5 hour mark was finaliy reached, the pilots were allowed to rest up but must remain on base.

'Still no signs of Shinji - kun...' she thought, 'Where are you?'

Shinji found himself in a dilemma.

Upon arriving at the apartment and lay on his bed for a while, he remembered food.

But,

He couldn't taste the food.

"Probably because my insides are LCL.." he muttered as he absent mindedly set slightly burnt fish on the plate for Pen - Pen.

He located the Shinji he absorbed in his mind and scanned the biological compositions and characteristics of his body.

Finding the needed information, Shinji adapted the expected characteristics and requirements for him to pass of as a Lilim of this world.

Sitting on the chair, he felt his organs and body began to form following the blueprint he has in his mind, adding a bit of muscle here and there along with enchancements that randomly sprouted from the wells of his consiousness.

Slowly, the orbs dissapeared from view, his heartbeat could be felt, his brain conforming to the standards of this world with a few added touches that a woman with fake blond hair slapped to his blueprints.

He realised that it was suddenly very quiet.

"Huh..."

Why?

He wrecked his new brain for the answer that appeared in an instant.

"I'm an _idiot_." he smiled wirely, "How could I not notice I was never alone?"

The beings of his own world all live within him.

He was going to live for all of them.

"_Huh?_" his long forgotten Ikari Jr suddenly rose up. Another sudden thought got pushed to the forefront of his mind.

"Was it always _this_ long?" he wondered.

...


End file.
